The Things That Keep Us Awake
by Yesm777
Summary: With the team safely back at base after Jaz's capture, Adam won't sleep. Amir doesn't like it. Oneshot. Tag to 1x10 "Desperate Measures."


_Authors note: I promise I'm not shirking my duties on my story _Left Behind_. This just popped into my head one night and I had to get it down. Just some brief bonding between Amir and Adam. Hope ya'll like it._

* * *

**The Things That Keep Us Awake**

Adam stared at the wall, the report he was typing forgotten. It was late. Everyone else was asleep.

But he couldn't sleep.

It had only been two days since they made it back from Tehran. Two days since Jaz was safely back on base after her capture.

The first night, he'd tried to get some sleep; he desperately needed it. He'd been so caught up in rescuing Jaz—and then making sure she was okay—that he hadn't had proper shuteye in a couple of days. But even then, he just laid there, looking at the ceiling.

And that's when he'd heard her sobs next door.

He was there in an instant, waking her from her nightmare. Telling her she was safe.

After that night, Adam wasn't sure he was allowed to sleep. What if she needed him? He had to be there at a moment's notice. And when he was left to his own thoughts, all he'd see was her in the back of that van, bloody and out of it. If he stayed still long enough, he'd even hear her whimpers.

So he'd gotten only seven or eight hours of real, deep sleep in the last handful of days.

And still, he couldn't sleep. He wouldn't.

Instead, he stared at the wall, forgetting about his report. Instead, he heard Jaz's phantom whimpers and saw bloodstains and bruising.

Then all he could think about was _What if they hadn't been able to save her?_

When he was tense during Jaz's op, he remembered Preach mentioning that they felt the same when Adam risked his life. But Adam didn't just take those risks for his country. He took them for his team. He _had _to take them for his team. To keep his inevitable panic toward failing them at bay. To make sure he did absolutely everything in his power to keep them safe.

Knowing that he couldn't take Jaz's place in the assassination had been bad enough. When she was captured, the familiar waves of intense fear overtook every nerve of his body. He'd failed her. And during the recon for her possible rescue, he was constantly drowning in the realization.

He'd had to stand on the sidelines while she ran through metaphorical flying bullets. And she'd nearly been killed.

For that, he hated himself. Yes, they got her back. Yes, she was safe now. But this would haunt him for the rest of his life. Because it could've changed at the drop of a hat.

"Top?"

Adam flinched, startled. He didn't have to turn around to know who it was. He knew that voice. He knew all their voices.

"You should be sleeping, Amir."

"So should you."

Adam swallowed a sigh, looking down at his report. There were only a couple lines, and they were impossible to understand. Defeated, he shut the laptop, knowing there was no way he could crank out a report now.

He turned to look at Amir, who was standing casually in the kitchen, his arms folded as he looked at Adam expectedly.

From the moment Amir joined the team, it didn't taken Adam long to see the ex-spy's nurturing side. To be honest, they all sort of had one in their own way. That's probably what made the team work—they took care of each other. Amir was just subtler about it than the others.

"Had an early morning craving for report-writing?" Amir asked, tilting his head a little.

Adam nearly rolled his eyes but thought better of it. "Just had some paperwork to get done."

"Well, since you're up anyway, want some tea? I was going to make myself some."

Adam thought about it a minute. If he stayed up longer, Amir would catch on to his new sleeping habits. The man wasn't an idiot. But to be honest, Adam could use a little company. Anything to distract him from the mental images of blood, bruises, and fear. "Yeah, alright."

With a small smile, Amir headed further into the kitchen, quietly retrieving what he needed.

Mustering a little energy, Adam pushed himself from his seat, moving to the kitchen to drop into one of the chairs at the table. Once Amir had a pot of water set to boil, he took his own seat, posture loose and comfortable.

"Can't sleep, huh?"

Adam looked at the ex-spy, taken off guard by the sudden inquiry. He wasn't entirely sure if he should answer honestly or not. No, he couldn't sleep. But maybe Amir shouldn't know.

Amir's gaze met his, and there was something dark in his eyes. "I can't sleep," he admitted. "Can't stop thinking about it."

Adam's brow dipped in concern. "About what?"

A pause flitted by, quiet and innocent in the early hours of the morning. "All of it. Seeing Jaz in the back of that van. Watching Hossein throw his life away for us at the border. All the bloodshed and coffee and terror that went into that whole experience. And it almost wasn't enough." Amir looked down at the tabletop, pursing his lips.

Adam dropped his own gaze to his hands. "Yeah, I think about it too."

He could feel Amir's eyes on him. Examining him.

Seeing him in a different light.

And maybe, this time, that would be okay.

"And I see it. And I hear it," he muttered. "And no, I guess I can't sleep." Won't sleep, he mentally corrected.

Amir shifted in his seat. "You haven't really slept since they got Jaz, have you?"

For a moment, Adam wondered if he should cut it off now. To maintain his standing as the strong team leader. But for one selfish moment, he didn't want to. So he admitted it. He shook his head no, already wondering if it was a mistake.

"Top, it's been days." Amir's voice wasn't accusatory or angry, like Adam had expected it to be. It was soft. Concerned. Longing to help.

"I know," Adam huffed. "But I can't risk it. She might . . . need someone."

Amir was still, his stare firm. Watching. "The nightmares." Adam's eyes snapped to the ex-spy's, an unspoken understanding passing between them. It wasn't surprising that Amir knew. Living in such close quarters to one another made secrets almost impossible to keep.

"You can't stay awake every night on the off chance she has a nightmare. It's unsustainable."

Adam shrugged. "I know. But I also can't let her suffer through it alone."

Silence blanketed them, disturbed only by the bubbling of boiling water. Sighing heavily, Amir stood to move the water off the heat. Slowly, he prepared two cups of tea, letting his thoughts swirl around his brain. He stopped, staring down at the tea.

Adam always put himself last. So someone else had to put him first.

Amir picked up the tea, turning to his team leader and offering him a cup. Adam took it politely. Gratefully. It was odd how the man could be so soft and kind at times and so firm and commanding other times. He had a strange but perfect balance of personable and authoritative. He demanded respect, but not before he'd earned it first. He was fiercely protective and wisely fair.

And above all, he was selfless. It was both his greatest flaw and best trait.

"Well, if you won't sleep, then neither will I," Amir decided, sitting back down as he took a careful sip of his tea. "Plus, it will double the coverage. If one of us falls asleep, the other will be there if Jaz needs someone."

"No, Amir, I can't make you—"

"You're not making me. I'm staying awake because I want to. To keep you company _and_ help Jaz."

Adam gave the ex-spy a quiet look of gratitude. The only inkling that Adam didn't want to be alone in the dead of night, though he would never admit it out loud. After all, he had to maintain the appearance of being practically indestructible.

"So. I've heard stories about a certain op in Marseille," Amir prompted, taking another drink of tea.

Adam smirked. "They told you about that, huh?"

"Not everything."

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

McG yawned as he shuffled out of his room. The night had been peaceful, for once. Every night since Tehran, there was a silent fog of fear and anxiety. They could hear Jaz's nightmares, and while they were all ready to step in at any given moment, Top was somehow always there first.

But McG still stood at the ready.

For the first time in a couple days, the night had been quiet. Restful. And McG hoped this was the start of real healing. Honestly, none of them would be truly okay until Jaz was. Especially Top.

Scratching at his stomach, McG moved down the hallway, sensing a presence in the kitchen. And yet, it was completely quiet. Frowning, he craned his neck as he moved toward the common area, trying to see if anyone was there.

From where he could see, Amir was sitting at the table, an empty mug beside him.

"Amir, how—"

The shorter man quickly put a finger to his lips, eyes staring down at the other side of the table. McG walked further to get a better look, moving more quietly.

Adam was asleep, resting his head on his arms at the table.

"Finally fell asleep an hour ago," Amir whispered. "Took a lot of swapping stories and tea, but I finally got him to sleep."

The realization hit McG full force: Top hadn't been sleeping. That's why he was always the first one there for Jaz. He was entirely an idiot. An idiot McG respected the hell out of.

Noiselessly, he went to Adam's room, grabbing the blanket off his bunk before returning to the kitchen. Carefully, he draped the blanket over the team leader, taking in the tired smudges under the blond's eyes and messy hair.

They'd have to keep a closer eye.

And pick Amir's brain on getting the man to sleep.

_**Fin.**_


End file.
